Unfortunately, this blog has died. It will still be used for entries on Illustration Friday.
If you are a fan of Nick, his MySpace is www.myspace.com/xsmashedx.
Sorry, folks.
Thursday 22 March 2007
Wednesday 14 March 2007
Updates
Sorry 'bout not updating in ages, folks.
Here's some updates:
I got MySpace! www.myspace.com/xsmashedx
I wrote a cool song "Amphetamines". Hear it here: www.myspace.com/oniochalasia
"Novel" is apparently a genre of books. Thanks, Bette.
Went to Dunsborough and played botchi (I hope that's how you spell it) and the funniest game of pictionary EVER!
Yeah, so I've kinda been distracted by MySpace, but I'm back now!
Here's some updates:
I got MySpace! www.myspace.com/xsmashedx
I wrote a cool song "Amphetamines". Hear it here: www.myspace.com/oniochalasia
"Novel" is apparently a genre of books. Thanks, Bette.
Went to Dunsborough and played botchi (I hope that's how you spell it) and the funniest game of pictionary EVER!
Yeah, so I've kinda been distracted by MySpace, but I'm back now!
Thursday 1 March 2007
BURN, EUROPEAN BUS DRIVER, BURRRRRN! - or, vengeance is sweet.
Ha ha hadi ha ha!
Okay, so I missed my normal bus, right? I have to catch two buses to get home instead.
BACKGROUND INFO:
When I catch the normal bus, I catch a train afterwards. Normally I use my SmartRider, but if I pay in money, I pay 60c. This is fine, I think (I've never actually been inspected). So, I reason, 60c should be fine for catching the two buses. After all, the ticket says "Concession, 2 zone".
BACK TO THE PRESENT (NOT THE WRAPPED SORT):
I get on the first bus, pay 60c (thinking it would be fine), and get off at my stop. I then go to the next stop. Upon getting into the bus, I present my ticket.
(European Driver shakes head)
NICK: Sorry?
EUROPEAN DRIVER (In heavy russian-ish accent): Nuh, dickhead, this 60 cent. Not for two buses, you know that, dickhead. You need 90 cent. 60 cent only two zones.
NICK: But I'm only going two zones.
EUROPEAN DRIVER: Nuh, dickhead! Not for two bus!
NICK: But it says on the ticket, 2 zones.
EUROPEAN DRIVER: Nuh, dickhead, nuh! You must 90 cent for two bus, dickhead. 60 cent, 2 stop 12 stop not matter, but two buses 90 cent, dickhead!
Okay, so I missed my normal bus, right? I have to catch two buses to get home instead.
BACKGROUND INFO:
When I catch the normal bus, I catch a train afterwards. Normally I use my SmartRider, but if I pay in money, I pay 60c. This is fine, I think (I've never actually been inspected). So, I reason, 60c should be fine for catching the two buses. After all, the ticket says "Concession, 2 zone".
BACK TO THE PRESENT (NOT THE WRAPPED SORT):
I get on the first bus, pay 60c (thinking it would be fine), and get off at my stop. I then go to the next stop. Upon getting into the bus, I present my ticket.
(European Driver shakes head)
NICK: Sorry?
EUROPEAN DRIVER (In heavy russian-ish accent): Nuh, dickhead, this 60 cent. Not for two buses, you know that, dickhead. You need 90 cent. 60 cent only two zones.
NICK: But I'm only going two zones.
EUROPEAN DRIVER: Nuh, dickhead! Not for two bus!
NICK: But it says on the ticket, 2 zones.
EUROPEAN DRIVER: Nuh, dickhead, nuh! You must 90 cent for two bus, dickhead. 60 cent, 2 stop 12 stop not matter, but two buses 90 cent, dickhead!
-DISCLAIMER-
I understand that I had paid the wrong fee, and I would have been more than happy to pay the extra money for another ticket, had the bus driver been less, umm... of a "dickhead".
NICK: Okay, I'll pay for another ticket.
EUROPEAN DRIVER (more to self than Nick): Good, dickhead. You catch bus, you should know, dickhead. I think you know, dickhead.
(Nick pays the fee and goes to sit with asociates on the bus)
But guess who wins the whole affair?
ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
I got home and called the Transperth comment line. I gave them the time, bus number, route number, and the stop. So the European bus driver will probably go hungry for the next 6 months.
I WIN!
Ha ha hadi ha ha!
EUROPEAN DRIVER (more to self than Nick): Good, dickhead. You catch bus, you should know, dickhead. I think you know, dickhead.
(Nick pays the fee and goes to sit with asociates on the bus)
But guess who wins the whole affair?
ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
I got home and called the Transperth comment line. I gave them the time, bus number, route number, and the stop. So the European bus driver will probably go hungry for the next 6 months.
I WIN!
Ha ha hadi ha ha!
Tuesday 27 February 2007
Funny Maths - RUINED BY BAD BLOGGING SERVICE!!!
Ever just get too frustrated in maths?
Click on the images to see larger versions. Actually, don't, because blogger sucks. That just ruins the entire post.
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Photos go here, please.
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Oh, wait, blogger is crappy.
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I hope it dies, please.
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The photos were pretty funny.
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Oh well.
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BLOGGER IS MUCHLY VERY VERY BAD AND I IS MUCH HOPE FOR IT TO DIE!
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Sunday 25 February 2007
Tuesday 20 February 2007
Saturday 10 February 2007
Thursday 8 February 2007
Stupid Teachers
Uuurgh. Stupid Teachers.
MRS PARKER: The date isn't in the right place. For 5 years I've had to train you like a dog that does tricks.
NICK: I despise being described as a dog.
MRS PARKER: Yeah, well, sometimes, Nick...
NICK'S IMAGINATION: For 5 years I've been trying my hardest to put up with you, like some dried-up and crusty bit of dog poo on the bottom of my shoes that won't come off. Well I'm sick of you! I WANT NEW SHOES!!
Mrs Searson also sucks. She was really grumpy today. And Mrs. Peers is terrifying (being an evil kitchen midget and all).
NICK: Is that much butter for two people or three?
MRS PEERS: (Something unintelligible)
NICK: Sorry?
MRS PEERS: No. Da much fuh too peepol, but same fuh three.
NICK: Okay. Could I have some please?
MRS PEERS: No, no. Nuh in da boll. You need ovah boll lake da wan see? You go back un get boll lake da.
NICK: But our bowl like that already has the flour in it.
MRS PEERS: Wew pud da flour in anadder boll and then come back.
NICK: Okay.
I find it hard to believe that she's Mrs. Peers. I'd be scared s**tless if I was married to her.
MRS PARKER: The date isn't in the right place. For 5 years I've had to train you like a dog that does tricks.
NICK: I despise being described as a dog.
MRS PARKER: Yeah, well, sometimes, Nick...
NICK'S IMAGINATION: For 5 years I've been trying my hardest to put up with you, like some dried-up and crusty bit of dog poo on the bottom of my shoes that won't come off. Well I'm sick of you! I WANT NEW SHOES!!
Mrs Searson also sucks. She was really grumpy today. And Mrs. Peers is terrifying (being an evil kitchen midget and all).
NICK: Is that much butter for two people or three?
MRS PEERS: (Something unintelligible)
NICK: Sorry?
MRS PEERS: No. Da much fuh too peepol, but same fuh three.
NICK: Okay. Could I have some please?
MRS PEERS: No, no. Nuh in da boll. You need ovah boll lake da wan see? You go back un get boll lake da.
NICK: But our bowl like that already has the flour in it.
MRS PEERS: Wew pud da flour in anadder boll and then come back.
NICK: Okay.
I find it hard to believe that she's Mrs. Peers. I'd be scared s**tless if I was married to her.
Sunday 4 February 2007
Stupid Warning Labels
I've always had a fascination with stupid warning labels, so here are a few.
- "For external use only" -On a curling iron.
"Do not use while sleeping" -On a hair dryer.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place" -On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Battery may explore or leak" -On a battery.
"Do not eat toner" -On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"May irritate eyes" -On a can of self-defence pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth" -On a novelty garden rock set called "Popcorn Rock"
"Please keep out of children" -On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less" -On a birthday card for a one-year-old.
"Do not use for drying pets" -In the manual for a microwave.
"For use by trained personnel only" -On a can of air freshener.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death" -A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm x 15cm x 12cm.
"May be harmful if swallowed" -On a shipment of hammers.
"Do not put lit candles on phone" -On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants" -On the packaging for a wristwatch. (???)
And here's some small print from some ads:
"Do not drive cars in ocean" -From a car commercial that shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people" -From a commercial showing a car crowd surfing at a concert.
"For a limited time only" -From a commercial advertising that a company's burgers are fresh.
I got these from a site called Things People Said. It's very funny. Check it out here.
Quick Change Artists
Hey people.
I saw this a while ago on YouTube, but it completely mystifies me. They're clearly aliens.
Laughing my ass off at Brandy's face.
Also, kind of unrealted but funny, I read this comment on YouTube:
In 1945, a young girl named katu lata kulu came over to America in a grey boat from Africa. A mysterious man killed her by cutting the word "LATUALATUKA" into her back. now that you have read this message, she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your soul unless you follow these directions:
1. Retype this message as a comment for 3 other videos
Made me laugh because some people would be paranoid enough to actually do it. It'll suck if it happens, though.
I saw this a while ago on YouTube, but it completely mystifies me. They're clearly aliens.
Laughing my ass off at Brandy's face.
Also, kind of unrealted but funny, I read this comment on YouTube:
In 1945, a young girl named katu lata kulu came over to America in a grey boat from Africa. A mysterious man killed her by cutting the word "LATUALATUKA" into her back. now that you have read this message, she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your soul unless you follow these directions:
1. Retype this message as a comment for 3 other videos
Made me laugh because some people would be paranoid enough to actually do it. It'll suck if it happens, though.
Saturday 3 February 2007
In the beginning...
Okay, here's the news. Westulaks is out. The Gassy Dream Weaver is in. Here's the beginning-
~ CHAPTER IIIIIIIIIIIIV (or -7) ~
In the beginning, there was a lot of soup. In fact, the whole universe was soup. But the soup was starchy and bland, and it kept on making these funny-smelling gas bubbles. And one bubble touched another, and together they reacted to form a new gas element: Lordium II. And the bubble had a mind, a will, a consciousness. And the bubble became the Gassy Dream Weaver. He thought that the soup should disappear, and it did. And He was pleased.
He filled part of the void with a planet of rock, and He was pleased. He thought it would be fun to make little things that lived on the planet, and He did. They were small, fluffy creatures. And He watched them do things. But soon the creatures started to die of starvation, so He created plants and plankton (because, He reasoned, everything eats plankton). The plankton died, because He had forgotten to make any oceans, but the plants thrived. The fluffy creatures ate the plants and grew larger, and the Gassy Dream Weaver was pleased.
Many years passed, and He watched the fluffy creatures grew and changed, and He watched as the plants grew and changed. Soon there were fluffy creatures and feathered creatures, and plants that ate them (because they had grown tired of being eaten). But the Gassy Dream Weaver was not happy. He was bored. And so He decide to create dinosaurs (which He had seen a picture of in a magazine, and he thought looked pretty cool). And the dinosaurs were created, and they were very cool. They stomped around the planet and killed lots of the fluffy creatures and feathered animals and plants that ate things.
But He was not pleased by this, and so he made a big rock and sent it towards the planet, and it killed everything except for two fluffy creatures and two feathered creatures and one tree. And He made this tree sacred, and told the fluffy creatures and feathered creatures not to touch it, and that it was as a reminder of how everything must suit Him, or He would get pouty and kill of their races. The fluffy creatures and feathered creatures didn't understand him, though, because they didn't speak Gassy Dream Weaver-ish, or any other language.
~ CHAPTER IIIIIIIIIIIIV (or -7) ~
In the beginning, there was a lot of soup. In fact, the whole universe was soup. But the soup was starchy and bland, and it kept on making these funny-smelling gas bubbles. And one bubble touched another, and together they reacted to form a new gas element: Lordium II. And the bubble had a mind, a will, a consciousness. And the bubble became the Gassy Dream Weaver. He thought that the soup should disappear, and it did. And He was pleased.
He filled part of the void with a planet of rock, and He was pleased. He thought it would be fun to make little things that lived on the planet, and He did. They were small, fluffy creatures. And He watched them do things. But soon the creatures started to die of starvation, so He created plants and plankton (because, He reasoned, everything eats plankton). The plankton died, because He had forgotten to make any oceans, but the plants thrived. The fluffy creatures ate the plants and grew larger, and the Gassy Dream Weaver was pleased.
Many years passed, and He watched the fluffy creatures grew and changed, and He watched as the plants grew and changed. Soon there were fluffy creatures and feathered creatures, and plants that ate them (because they had grown tired of being eaten). But the Gassy Dream Weaver was not happy. He was bored. And so He decide to create dinosaurs (which He had seen a picture of in a magazine, and he thought looked pretty cool). And the dinosaurs were created, and they were very cool. They stomped around the planet and killed lots of the fluffy creatures and feathered animals and plants that ate things.
But He was not pleased by this, and so he made a big rock and sent it towards the planet, and it killed everything except for two fluffy creatures and two feathered creatures and one tree. And He made this tree sacred, and told the fluffy creatures and feathered creatures not to touch it, and that it was as a reminder of how everything must suit Him, or He would get pouty and kill of their races. The fluffy creatures and feathered creatures didn't understand him, though, because they didn't speak Gassy Dream Weaver-ish, or any other language.
Friday 2 February 2007
Ceiling Cat vs. Santa Olaf
Every now and then the internet launches the career of a new celebrity. Perhaps you've heard of lonelygirl15 or smosh. But few people or have become more famous than the legendary Ceiling Cat.
The simple picture intrigues us; raising questions about the mysterious cat. How did it get into the ceiling? Is it a natural ginger? Why is there a hole in the ceiling? And of course, why exactly is Ceiling Cat watching us masturbate?
The picture swept across the internet, causing amusement and bemusement wherever it landed. It became a celebrity, everybody knew about Ceiling Cat. People would meet on street corners, in cafes and occasionally at zoological gardens to discuss the slightly perverted cat.
But now, a newcomer challenges even Ceiling Cat. I speak of a new phenomenon. It raises more questions than even Ceiling Cat. I speak of Santa Olaf.
The simple picture intrigues us; raising questions about the mysterious cat. How did it get into the ceiling? Is it a natural ginger? Why is there a hole in the ceiling? And of course, why exactly is Ceiling Cat watching us masturbate?The picture swept across the internet, causing amusement and bemusement wherever it landed. It became a celebrity, everybody knew about Ceiling Cat. People would meet on street corners, in cafes and occasionally at zoological gardens to discuss the slightly perverted cat.
But now, a newcomer challenges even Ceiling Cat. I speak of a new phenomenon. It raises more questions than even Ceiling Cat. I speak of Santa Olaf.
But why? WHY IS SANTA OLAF WATCHING US MASTURBATE? So many questions, and only here will you get the answers.
Q: Why is Olaf in the ceiling?
A: Well, probably for the same reason as Ceiling Cat.
Q: But then why is Ceiling Cat in the cei-
A: We're not talking about Ceiling Cat.
Q: Why is Olaf dressed as Santa?
A: Long story. I have this obsession with Brett Helquist, illustrator of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. I copied a picture of Olaf out of the front of one of the books, with a slight variation: he was dressed like Santa. From this grew the idea of Santa Olaf replacing Ceiling Cat.
Q: I walked in on my ferret wearing a tea cozy. (S)he confronted me and accused me of being overbearing. Am I a bad ferret parent?
A: No. Your ferret is probably passing through a phase of fashion experimentation. Do not criticise his/her fashion choice. Tell him or her that you think the look is "happening" and that you "dig it, daddy-o". Continue to do this until the phase passes.
Q: Who is responsible for this picture?
A: Ultimately, me. The picture was created, painstakingly I would imagine, by my friend Helen. Please complain to her if you are offended.
Q: Why is Santa Olaf watching-
A: Nobody knows, and nobody ever will know. Now stop asking questions.
If you are concerned about Santa Olaves, please e-mail me at behind.garhuckle@gmail.com. For a small price I can ship to you an Olaf Repellent.
Please, spread the word of Santa Olaf.
Nick
Wednesday 31 January 2007
Religion
In the search for spiritual content, only one method is truly acceptable: Complete personalisation.
I have decided to start my own faith, the Church of Westulaks the Acne-infested and Undulating, and to spread the word of this new faith.
Watch this space, more will come.
Nick
I have decided to start my own faith, the Church of Westulaks the Acne-infested and Undulating, and to spread the word of this new faith.
Watch this space, more will come.
Nick
New Blog - New Post
Yep. You've read about Garhuckle, now read about me! Please.
I was tired of hiding behind Garhuckle, so I've made this blog to let you know about all of my... umm, yeah, you know? Like, stuff.
Enjoy.
P.S. My hair is muchly longer and darker now.
I was tired of hiding behind Garhuckle, so I've made this blog to let you know about all of my... umm, yeah, you know? Like, stuff.
Enjoy.
P.S. My hair is muchly longer and darker now.
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